So confused... and a little disappointed.
Can't get her out of my head. I want her to be with me, but I want her to be happy. She wants me to run off and be with someone else, but you can't just stop wanting to be with someone. It's not like, "Okay she doesn't want to be with me, she's lot all affectionate appeal now." It doesn't work that way. I understand where she's coming from a little though, because I more or less wanted Amber to do the same thing. The only difference is the reason we wanted the other person to do it. I didn't want to date Amber because were weren't right for each other. The last few weeks we were together all we did was fight. On top of that, everywhere I turned she was talking about some other dude. I guy doesn't want to hear that. I know sometimes a girl likes to make the guy jealous so she feels loved, but it's not an all the time thing. You do it every once in a blue moon and that's it. Now I'm not saying this is her fault, if anything it was mine. A lot of those fights were because I wouldn't let them go. I made something out of nothing a lot of the time. But what's done is done, and you can't undo it. All you can do is forgive, forget and live life to the fullest... of course while having standards and respect for yourself.
I just don't know. Part of me just can't wait to just leave. Get out of here and leave everything and everyone behind. Of course it'd seem nice at first... but in the end, I'd be miserable. I'd miss everyone at one point or another... but right now... right this very moment... I wouldn't. I wouldn't miss anyone. Just get out of here, and not have to worry about where this person is sleeping around... this person getting taken advantage of, this person failing, or this person being disappointed. I wouldn't have to worry about shit. I could go, make a mess of my life, and regret the undo-able.
People say you shouldn't regret anything. If something happens you can learn from it... bullshit. A lot of the time, what you learn is either A) obvious and you should know it anyway (i.e. Pot is bad) or B) what you learn isn't worth what you go through. (i.e. Algebra)
Just fuck it all... I'm lonely as hell... got 3 and a half months to do anything about it... and the only people that wanna be with me are some ditz that's known me a total of 5 minutes (metaphorically speaking) and some slightly obsessive chick who hasn't let go in almost 9 months. EVEN IF hooking up with one of them was a good idea, it's not what I want. And while what I want might not be whats best for me, I still can't help but want it.
Whatever... text me. Maybe... can't promise I'll text back but maybe.
hey...
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AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DONT FORGET IT
OMFG, i just typed you the longest response known to man, wasn't even half way, hit the back key somehow, and ERASED IT ALL. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. Oh well, lucky you, i'ma tell it again, but i'm condensing the first part!!!! So, i started off by sayin your're one of the most caring compassionate people i've ever had the honor of knowing, but you need to learn to take care of yourself FIRST, all the time, everytime. I went on to explain that, got all Dr. Phil, got all confusing, than moved on to my love life. So i'ma just start there, cuz i figure whatever point i'm trying to make in there, will be better learned if i just tell you my story. And here's where the long part begins, cuz now i gotta go all the way back to the fucking beginning AGAIN. DAMMIT. So, i'z molested at a young age, FUCKED ME UP. As you know, i'm also BI, FUCKED ME UP MORE. As a teenager, i was confused as shit, petrified of girls, and had NO GAME whatsoever. I didn't know what BI was, so i figured since i had gay thoughts, i mus be gay, but i had other thoughts too(i'll tell ya those somewhere private if ya want, but not here) THOSE thoughts fucked me up AAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTT. Like, most teenage boys jerk off cuz it's THE GREATEST FUCKING THING EVER THOUGHT OF AND IT ROCKS BEYOND BELIEF!!!! but for me, it was to quiet my head. Cumming for me was like expelling the evil, and i got some peace for a little while. Except the gay thoughts, which were in confflict with the other thoughts, never went away. so, i'm so consumed by all this shit, that i don't even notice girls. I'm attracted to them, but i have no clue how to approach them, or whether or not i'm even right in the head enough TO approach them. So yeah, NEVER got laid in HS, had one g/f for a total of 3 weeks. Summer after HS i meet up with Lindsay. She's my first actual g/f, still never once got laid, cuz all the shit in my head has me too fucked up to even get it up. But i tried, lika motherfucker i tried. cuz Lindsay was a sex fiend, but all that did was put more pressure on me. Anyways, after bout 4 months, lack of sex makes her dump me in typical brutal teenage fashion. She informs me we're done by sayin she gonna sleep with Josh in his bed one night. fucked me up even more. I freaked out for days, punchin walls, have a permanent boxers fracture cuz of it. First woman to show me the goods, i thought i was in LOOOOOOOVE, she was THE ONE for me. After we break up she fucks with my head a few more months, i move to Seattle.
ReplyDeletePaul, a friend i work with gets kicked out of his house by his wife, moves in with me in my tiny ass 1 bedroom apartment. this was much more detailed in the previous story, so be lucky, FUCK can't believe i erased it!!!!! Anyways, met my ex wife in that apartment. she's 16, i'm 21. NEVER thought i'd get with someone that young, but she showed me the time of day, and aggressive women were the only ones i noticed, cuz they made me!! Anyways, here's my 2nd attempt at sex, STILL doesn't work. by now i've put so much pressure on myself, that it won't even work for half a second, and if it does get hard, yeah, cummin in my pants was my thing. But her and i try for a couple months, i fall lika motherfucker for her again just like lindsay. She dumps my ass coldly cuz i can't get it up, just like Lindsay. In fact, just days after she dumps me, i'm over at her friend Maraia's when she shows up with her next b/f. She was a turbo slut back, 18 guys within 6 months of losing her virginity. She says, standin right next to me, to her Maraia, "i finally ended my two month abstinence this morning"...yeah, that cut deep. So i go back to living my sex life in my head like i always have. couple months later, that Maraia chick is having a bad day, so i come see her. Long story short, same shit happens, try to have sex, i fall, she dumps me cuz i can't get it up. that one lasts a week. pathetic enough yet??? so, after that, i'm single and still a virgin for bout a year. Than i hook up with one of my cousins friends, same thing, no go with the dick. dated her for about a month, but i didn't fall for her, never really wanted to date her from the get go. So, this is october, i'm 23, my friend Jolleen comes down to Vancouver to visit, we do a bunch of ecstasy, try to have sex. STILL don't get it up, but this time it's more because she's HUGE and i was way too sober to wanna fuck her by the time she tried, so didn't crush me all that much, THANK GOD;)
ReplyDeleteAnyways, i'm 23, NEVER gotten laid, and not for lack of trying. Finally break down and talk to the doc, don't tell her anything bout what's goin on inside my head, just said my shit never works. She says, sometimes it's like an engine, you just need to kick start it, and prescribes me viagra. Short time later, i'm living in Vancouver, and Jolleen calls me from the freeway, says she's on her way down. I'm like WTF? holy fuck, she wants to try again!!!! So i call Kelli, whose 5 months prego at the time. when she dumped me two years earlier, she said it was cuz i scared her, my drinking scared her, i drank 2 cases a beer a day back then. and did supremely self destructive shit back than. One night, after two fifths of jack, one of her friends that wanted my nutz told me she was cheatin on me. I BEAT THE SHIT outta my apartment in a drunken blackout, than walked the 10 blocks to her house, drippin blood the whole way, where Seattle PD met me. Took me to the hospital and sowed me up. I didn't go there to hurt her, she knew that, and a couple days later we talked it out. Couple weeks after that i was home alone, another 5th of Jack, and slit my wrist. She didn't know about that til a few days later. I didn't tell anyone about that, jsut went to the hospital when i saw my blood go shootin across the room. didn't take me long to realize i didn't wanna die yet. Anyways, all that crazy shit scared her, and she dumped me. But the limp dick played a bigger role than she'll ever admit. Anyways, Jolleens on her way, i call Kelli. I'm like, "i'm totally in love with you, we can make this work, but Jolleens on her way to to do gross things to me, PLEASE b my g/f RIGHT NOW!!!!" and she agrees. that's Nov 11, we have our first blow out fight thanksgiving, and continue that routine for 7 years. while she's prego, we try once to have sex, with the viagra, shit works fine, but hurts her too much, so we stop. technically that's where i lose my viriginity.
ReplyDeletewe together long distance for the first 8months. I'm in Vancouver, she's in Seattle. 3 days after my daughter is born, we have another blow out, i dump her, and leave back to vancouver. But not before i cried my eyes out with my daughter, cuz i'd already bonded with her whn Kelli was pregant, i used to stay up all night pokin her everytime she kicked. we wuz playin while Kelli was passed out. It really didn't take any thought on my part, i wasn't the biological, but the sperm donor was a piece of shit, and i always knew this was my daughter, and i would take care of her. I said my goodbyes to her and wished her the best. Said i wanted to be her dad, but i couldn't, i'm sorry. went back to Vancouver and tried to fuck Lindsay the next nite. Shit didn't work AGAIN, cuz of my head, and cuz viagra don't work when ur drunk as shit. Anyways, few days later we're back together. She still doesn't know what i did with Lindsay that weekend. after she's all healed up for the birth, we have sex a few times on the viagra, than after that, my shit works fine, although i still cum pretty quick most of the time during our relationship. But the fact that i have a woman to love and a family to raise eases my mind for a long time. But shit creeps back. we always fight, cuz she's younger, has alot to learn, and lazy as shit. for 7 years it was like raising another child. i did my best to convince myself this was who i wanted to be withk, and i did a pretty good job, but towards the end, i detached almost completely from her. I just had so much bittereness about having to do everything myself. I mean, i was the only one who worked, and i'd come home at midnight, make myself dinner, AND clean the kitchen from their dinner. so yeah, i tried to convince myself she's the one, and that shit didn't work out any better than Lindsay or Maraia did. She leaves me July 1st of last year. can't take my detachement anymore, i don't blame her. But she left me in a fucked up way, wouldn't talk to me about ANYTHING and took my kids from me. That hurt worse than anything. I'm a good fucking father, and no matter what i did, i didn't do a fucking thing to have my kids ripped from me the way she did. So after she leaves, all my sexual issues come flooding back, cuz she's the only one my shit ever worked for. Went out a couple times after and tried to get laid, shit didn't work. So i'm fucked again, or not fucked i guess;)....now, she leaves 3days after i tell her what's been haunting me all these years, why i'm as fucked up as i am. I think this is the breakthrough i needed, i'ma get help for it, and i'll FINALLY be the man i should be, and the man she needs me to be. She hears yet one more fuckin problem i gotta put her through, she's had enough, she's out. So now i got TWO major life issues to deal with at the same time. yeah, i don't take it well.
ReplyDeleteThe first month, i'm doing nothing but counseling, working out, trying to get myself healthy. She won't even try to come home. eventually i say fuck it, and spiral on down. standoff with the police and a loaded Glock to my head, 4 days locked in a psyche ward, the whole nine yards, my shit went off the deep end. somewhere in there, i'm skimmin facebook, lookin for anyone that's single, hopin someone will give me the time of day cuz i'm fuckin lonely and destroyed without my kids. my "g/f" from the third fuckin grade hits me up, we start talkin and hangin out. She'd always been the one that got away to me, and the only person i missed when i left hillsboro at 14, so i had to check it out. HOLY FUCK that bitch is crazier than i am. AND she was 8 months prego when we met up, so no fuckin way i was walkin that road again. made out with her one time, the belly freaked me out, and the talkin bout marryin me and joinin our bank accounts in the first week we were talkin freaked me the fuck out. changed my # three times to get away from that crazy ass. Another one i emailed was Lori. i don't even remember friending her on FB, but when i ran across her profile, i stopped and read everything. I hadn't done that with anyone, wasn't sure what made me stop on her. Anyways, i emailed her, "been a long time, call me anytime" and left her my #. didn't think anything of it after that, i'd left that on afew single chicks profiles. not even sure how long it took her to reply, but she did, at 330 in the morning. she texts me"it's anytime, u awake?" I was passed out drunk at the time. when i'm passed out drunk you stick an air horn on both sides of me, blow em as long as you want, and my ass won't wake up. my parents used to get pissed cuz i'd fall asleep with headphones full blast, than pull them out the socket when i'd roll over and fill the house with my glorious music. My old man would come turn it off, yell at me for bein drunk, and i wouldn't even stir. When my phone rang that night i was wide awake. didn't know y, but i'm like "whose this?" "it's Lori" that's all she said. and knew EXACTLY who it was. In my drunken stupor, that's quite a feat;)..so yeah, nex day we go see transformers. i'm nervous as shit when i go pick her up. As i'm bout to knock on her door, I'm thinkin "is this really happening?? was she jus jokin and gonna laugh her ass off when she opens the door" than she opens the door, and my heart skips a beat. it's never done that before the first time i lay eyes on someone, but it did with her. i'll never forget the smile and "HI" when she opened the door. We talk on the way to the movie, thought i killed myself when i laughed at who she'd married, cuz i think she gotta lil pissed. we got to the movie, and i'm as awkward as i always am. Except it's different this time. every other time in my life, what was goin through my head was"does she want me, oh god, what if she does, what do i do, how do i act, should i wait til she makes a move, should i make a move?" my head would spin, and i'd over think EVERYTHING and worry about how bad i'd fail later.
ReplyDeleteShit But with her, i had one thing in my mind" GOD i want to touch this woman, i want feel her, i want to know what's in her head" That feeling was new to me, and it took me half the movie,but i finally put my arm around her and tried to make her comfortable. Failed at it, but i tried, and spent the rest of the movie with the armrest stabbin me in the ribs, so it wouldn't stab her. I've never been so comfortable in my life. Took her back to my place, cooked her lasagna, we watched some stand up. The whole time we're talking, i don't make much eye contact, but i make more than i usually do. Cuz it's ez. it's NVER ez for me to look someone in the eyes. she's still the only one i can truly do it with, and i've gotten MUCH better at makin eye contact when i talk. she always made contact, everytime i looked at her. that would freak me out with most people, but with her it felt right. i put on my best game, she got naked for me, and i failed as usual. she didn't make me feel bad about it tho. It's always embarassed the hell outta me, EVERYTIME, even with ppl i'd tried with many times, but with her, it wasn't as embarassing. I just knew i wanted to try again, and i wanted to keep trying til i got it right. When i took her home that night, we talked a bit about how ourselves, she told me about Keira, and she told me that she doesn't bring guys over, ever, cuz she doesn't wanna fuck with Keira's head. Told i understood completely, i don't wanna do that to my kids either. as i left her that night, i had a smile on my face that i hadn't had in many many years. maybe never before now that i think about it. Next night, i wanna come see her again, but it's Keira week. Dun ask me how i did it, but i put some fuckin game on cuz i wanted to see her that badly, and she let me come over, even tho Keira was there sleepin. GOD, i was happy. She even let me come over the next night, or one other night that week, i can't rememeber, and that night i spilled my beer all over her carpet. Yeah, i have no game, and i fuck up shit alllll the time. But i nver had the"i fucked up, she hates me now" feeling with her.
ReplyDeleteIt was always"i fucked up, she's being cool as fuck bout it, how do i make it right?" yeah, i bombed with the sex with her too, for a long time, but all along the way, she never made me feel bad for it. Even tho i knew she wanted it lika motherfucker, she's never made me feel bad EVERYTIME i failed. i know alot of my story has revolved around how sex has fucked up my love life, but that's cuz it has. at the same time tho, it's cuz i always equated sex to love so much. I even did it with my wife. if i could get her off, that meant i loved her, that meant i was doin good. Sex was a HUGE issue with Lori and i, but it wasn't anything like it was with other women. I wanted to please her, i wanted to make every aspect of her life better, not just the sex. When i'd kiss her, EVERYTIME i'd kiss her, it was fire, magic. she touched parts of my soul i didn't even know was there. I fell for her quickly, but as things went along, my intial feeling for her only got bigger. that's NEVER happened before. before it was always, how do i redeem myself sexually, how do i make her want me as much as i wanna get laid?? with Lori, it was how do i get her to love me as much as i love her. I firmly believe, and always will believe, Lori is my soulmate. she's who i was put on this earth to be with. BUT, and here's the point of that whole long ass fuckin story, because i spent all these years obsessing over my sexual faults, haunted by the fucked up shit in my head, i fucked up with her.
ReplyDeletebecause i didn't devote the time to taking care of myself above all else, i didn't learn the things i should've known to show my soulmate the love and respect she deserves all the time everytime. I let my own fucked up thoughts run my life. i acted on impulse, ALWAYS, i spoke from emotion instead of truth, ALWAYS. Basically, Iggy, what i'm tryin to say, is you're dealing with this girl you've falllen for the same way i used to. the same EXACT way. Learn better control of your emotions, learn what feelings are real, and what feelings are emotion driven. You do that, and when your soulmate comes along, which she will, you'll be prepared to deal with shit the way it should be dealt with. cuz i had with Lori was more real and more true than anything before, and anything i'll ever find in the future. Stop looking for the one should be with, and focus on yourself. Trust me, the one will come along, and you'll least expect it when she does. I don't even know if any of this makes sense to you, all i know is you've seen bits and pieces of my relationship with Lori, and you've seen everywhere i've fucked up with that. If i had worked on what i should have been all these years, i wouldn't have fucked up with her. Now i'm left to work on it anyways, and i have to live with whatever life i end up with. you only have one soulmate in this world. you won't find it no matter how hard you look. you won't create it no matter how hard you try. It'll find you, and you'll know it when it does. i do. I know for a fact, written in stone, Lori Cleveland is my soulmate and who i was born to be with. BUT, i didn't learn enough of what i shoud have before she came along, and now i've lost that for good. take my advice brother, work on yourself above all else first, be the best man you can be 24/7. And when your soulmate happens into your life, you'll be ready, and you'll never lose her. treat every relationship you have until than as the one, learn everything you can from it along the way. if it ends up being true, than good for you. But if it ends in you being dead wrong and you're left hurting, learn from that too. recognize what YOU need to do differently next time, and be a better b/f next time. you'll just keep getting better. Iggy, I'm NOT wrong about Lori, i WAS wrong about all the others. If i'd have learned more from those relationshipes, i might still have the only one that will ever matter. I <3 u Iggy...sorry if this all seems random incoherent shit.....i miss my best friend and my heads spinnin...learn from me and you'll never feel this pain;)
ReplyDeletebelieve it or not, that's the reader's digest version....
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