Malcontent

As you can guess from the title, I'm a little malcontent. I'm not sad, per say... but I'm not happy either. I'm lonely... I don't care how lame or childish that sounds, but it's true. I love Her, I really do... but a very small part of me thinks she's right. I need to go meet other people. I don't want to, but like I said... I know she's a little right.

Of course it'd be easier if she could reject me the normal way instead of her weird twisted artist way. Or just not at all. I do want to be with her, and I don't want to meet people in case an opportunity comes where I can be, but I'm lonely too. I want to be with some one, anyone (I'm not desperate, honest, just lonely) but at the same time I want to be with Her.

It also doesn't help that it seems like shes falling for Him all over again. I knew she had feelings for him, but she said she couldn't be with him... looks like shes going to change her mind.

And I'm not sure but it seems like she might be falling for Other Him  again. If that's the case, I can only hope she isn't hurt. I still hate that jerk for what he did to her, even if he was the biggest part of her life for two and a half years. He was horrible to her, and she didn't deserve any of it. He tore her apart in front of everyone, then went and became a hypocrite. You think he's going to quit for her? No he won't he's going to pressure her into trying it, like he tried to do to me, and I think she will, because of this stupid stage she's in. I'm in it too, but I have morals that I don't think she does. I just worry that she's going to fall into a rut she can't get out of, and become the very person she despised all through high school. I see it happen all the time. People say they feel sorry for those people... then it happens to themselves, and they can't get out. Whether it be by moral blindness, or some other form. I worry even more that she will have a shitty future, because of choices she makes in the next few months/years. If she new how much I DO care and worry about her, instead of how much she THINKS I do, I don't think she would be doing this. If she knew how much it hurts me, and those she cares about.

I just don't know anymore. Cass seems to be doing the same thing, but not on as extreme of a level, and also she notices it, and is putting effort in to stop. I think she can. She's always been strong willed, so has She. The only difference is She doesn't seem to want to change back. She's apparently content with her new self. Hating and loving it at the same time. She's unhappy, she tells me, for her art... and she loves it.

Of course no one else does. I can only hope that things get better soon, preferably before I leave... because I don't know what I'd do if i left and couldn't keep up with her. I don't want to come back and she's worse than ever... because no one was trying to help her. In all honesty it seems like I'm the only one trying. I'm not saying no one else is either but if they are, I don't see it. He seems to just be content with it, and why shouldn't he be? He's getting the girl out of it. Tim almost seems to be encouraging it. I just hate what he's become too.

He's changed so much. I was his best, longest friend. We'd been that for 5+ years. Then as soon as I introduce Her, it starts. Then when she moves in, it gets worse, BUT still not bad, just a little 'sharing of him' not bad... but as soon as I start liking Her, it seems like he despises me. Like I'm never welcome around, and the only reason he puts up with me is because I was Her best friend... now t looks like even that is going to change. She pushing us apart, and I try and try to keep us together. In all honesty, I don't think we'll be friends much longer... but if we aren't, it won't be because of me, and it won't be because I didn't try. But it WILL destroy me. Most of the time, she was the only thing that kept me going. The only thing that made getting out of bed worth it. If she's not in my life... it wont be. I wish I could take back the moment I told her I loved her. Things might be different. I'd rather us be best friend forever, than crushes for a little while longer...

I just don't know anymore. I've never had the nerve to take my life before, but it seems more tempting every day. I don't remember being this miserable this long before, and I don't like it, and if it's only going to get worse, then I don't know if i can take it. I pray and I pray and still we get further and further apart.

Just don't be surprised if you see a farewell post soon.

Maybe that's the real subconscious reason why I started this blog... to tell the world about my last days.

You know, I never could see myself older. Grown up... with a family, or a nice job and house. I just could never see it. Yeah I dreamed about it all the time, but I could never really confirm that it was me. I don't know. Writing about it like this, it seems more and more like a nice idea. To just finally get rid of all the sorrow.I just hope that if it's my time, that I go beautifully, and painlessly. In a flash of memories of me. Maybe that's supposed to be my fate. Not appreciated until after I'm gone. I hope it is my time and He decides to take me soon, because Lord knows I can't do it myself.

I don't know. I'm tired, sleep deprived, lonely and feeling unwanted by all. Maybe I'll get over it, but I doubt it.

~Induo