Bleak

Well I've already hit a rut with who whole blog thing. It was supposed to be a place where I could record any and every thought that entered my head. I can't do that because my thoughts include things that people can't know. Not that I'm keeping any secrets on here, but I'm keeping other people's secrets. I've changed my domain name in hopes that the people that cant know the stuff haven't already bookmarked the blog. Knowing them they haven't so hopefully they can't access it now. (Man I wish that this thing could block certain people from viewing) but as far as i can tell, it's either completely public, or completely private. I know I can block people that are registered but not aenonymous.

If this get to the eyes of people who aren't supposed to know it then I am as deeply sorry as I've ever been, but I need to do this, for my own sanity.

Right now my life DOES look bleak. I really don't want to be alive right now. Lord knows I don't have the grapes to actually take my life... but sometimes it's very tempting. For those of you who know me personally, you don't have to worry. i DON'T have the stuff to do it... I just want to.

Found out artists are WAY more complicated then even THEY need to be. I don't know what to think. She says she has feelings for me, but insist very persistently that we don't belong together... ever... or so that is the vibe I'm getting. It's funny how just yesterday I was on top of the world, we'd almost kissed. I know it's lame that I would get so excited about ALMOST kissing, or kissing period for that matter, but I did, so I could only imagine how stoked I would have been if she DID kiss me... It's just funny how I can go from all that to hating life. I really don't know if she has feelings for me, if we have any (and i do me ANY) hope of being together, and if not whether I can even get over her. I've never loved a non relative human being this much before, and for her to insist so strongly that we don't belong together makes my future look bleak... at least to me. Some might say I'm blinded by false love, and that may be true, but what a blind man can't see, he can't see. There's no changing that.

I just hate life right now... it all just doesn't seem worth it. So yeah hopefully things will turn around. I will keep you guys posted.


P.S. If I end up blocking your user, please by all means don't take any offense by it. I'll have just decided that I don't want you to know certain things. Mostly this applies to direct family. I haven't done it yet, but it's a consideration.