Learning from my mistakes

Why do people say "just let me learn from my own mistakes"?

I'm telling you people, a lot of the time what you "learn" isn't worth what you go through.

You shouldn't have to be hanging out of a broken windshield half dead or even completely dead, to realize that high speeds are dangerous. And usually you should realize that fire is hot and hurtful by standing near it... not in it.

Sometime I think I'm the only one who didn't change after highschool, and maybe I did... but if I did I'm surely not seeing it.

I just don't think I can sit back at watch the people I love and care about do this to themselves. Not to mention how everyone else who cares about them will feel.

...

and if the ones who also care about them are fine with it... then this world has fallen even more than I realized. To be so corrupt and immoral... I can see why God flooded it, only he shouldn't have promised not to do it again.

Sometimes I wish that it was my time so I can be at the side of the Father saying "I'm sorry, I tried."

~Induo

Meaning the World

"He's cool. He let's me listen to what I want when he drives... and when I dance along he only gives me weird looks."

 

She doesn't understand how much it means to me, when she notices little things like this. A moment of peace with the world, of total serenity.

Hopefully she realizes its the weird dances that I love about her, and the weird looks, are my way of showing it. Things are going fine right now. I like where we are and hopefully the only place we go from here is forward... but at the risk of ruining it, I'm not going to push anything. She'll come around on her own time.

 

Sorry there wasn't more to this post, I just had to mention this to the world, whether it cares or not.

 

~Induo 

You're not so bad yourself, despite what you think. You understand what I say, even when I, myself, don't. I never know exactly how you feel, but I know it's never too bad.

You say you messed up, or that you're this bad person. But you're not. Many would agree, you're a great person. You're always happy, even when you're not on the inside. You always put others before yourself, which sometimes is a curse more than a blessing. But in the end it's never a bad thing. You always make me feel good about myself, even when you didn't have to.

You're the best thing that ever happened to me, even if nothing more happens between us.

Thank you. I only hope I can be the best friend that I'm always trying to be, and that you are to me.

~Induo

Salutations you big wimpy piece of shite

So confused... and a little disappointed.

Can't get her out of my head. I want her to be with me, but I want her to be happy. She wants me to run off and be with someone else, but you can't just stop wanting to be with someone. It's not like, "Okay she doesn't want to be with me, she's lot all affectionate appeal now." It doesn't work that way. I understand where she's coming from a little though, because I more or less wanted Amber to do the same thing. The only difference is the reason we wanted the other person to do it. I didn't want to date Amber because were weren't right for each other. The last few weeks we were together all we did was fight. On top of that, everywhere I turned she was talking about some other dude. I guy doesn't want to hear that. I know sometimes a girl likes to make the guy jealous so she feels loved, but it's not an all the time thing. You do it every once in a blue moon and that's it. Now I'm not saying this is her fault, if anything it was mine. A lot of those fights were because I wouldn't let them go. I made something out of nothing a lot of the time. But what's done is done, and you can't undo it. All you can do is forgive, forget and live life to the fullest... of course while having standards and respect for yourself.

I just don't know. Part of me just can't wait to just leave. Get out of here and leave everything and everyone behind. Of course it'd seem nice at first... but in the end, I'd be miserable. I'd miss everyone at one point or another... but right now... right this very moment... I wouldn't. I wouldn't miss anyone. Just get out of here, and not have to worry about where this person is sleeping around... this person getting taken advantage of, this person failing, or this person being disappointed. I wouldn't have to worry about shit. I could go, make a mess of my life, and regret the undo-able.

People say you shouldn't regret anything. If something happens you can learn from it... bullshit. A lot of the time, what you learn is either A) obvious and you should know it anyway (i.e. Pot is bad) or B) what you learn isn't worth what you go through. (i.e. Algebra)

Just fuck it all... I'm lonely  as hell... got 3 and a half months to do anything about it... and the only people that wanna be with me are some ditz that's known me a total of 5 minutes (metaphorically speaking) and some slightly obsessive chick who hasn't let go in almost 9 months. EVEN IF hooking up with one of them was a good idea, it's not what I want. And while what I want might not be whats best for me, I still can't help but want it.

Whatever... text me. Maybe... can't promise I'll text back but maybe.

About due

I think it's about due for a new post, especially since the last one is outdated as far as my thoughts.

I'm very content with the way things are. She talking to me again, turns out she was just busy. Things are looking up a little. She an I are good, Cass seems irritated with life, but over all, fine. Family is going good. No one is disappointed in me as far as I can tell. Things could be a lot better but I'm not going to push my luck. I remember all too well the dark place I was in recently, and while things aren't exactly as I'd like, they could be worse, and I could go back to that place. I'm still lonely, but for some reason, it's not effecting me as much. Probably cause I was just lonely more for any kind of love rather than just affectionate love, and now I know, or am reminded, that I do have other people's love so... while I would like to be with someone, it's not as high on my priorities list as it was. To be honest, I don't know what is. I would guess just being with friends in general. All I've really seen lately is Nick. Saw Her for 12 seconds today but that was about it. I so hope Cass can come home Thursday for HP, I could really use the friend time.

I feel like there's something I'm forgetting, but I have no clue what it is. And I'll probably remember when I CAN'T post it on here, and when I get back to post it, I'll forget again.

I guess I'm content for now...

Now that I think about it... I'm more lonely than I thought. I still wish I had someone right now... just can't help but only want to be with that one person. The idea of other girls just seems impossible to me right now. I know it's technically not, but like subconsciously it is.

Anyway, just thought I'd update it, things aren't as bad as they have been lately, so all is good.

~Induo

Rejected

Contrary to might you might believe, the title is not about girl rejection, its about rejection in general, more specifically my rejection. I'm feeling a little left out ever since last Wednesday. She barely talks to me much anymore. Shes not mad at me (that I know of) and we're fine as far as I know... she just hasn't replied t most of my messages, and when she does talk its nothing too important. She doesn't text or call just to talk anymore. I understand if she's busy, but me being me, my stupid mind won't let it go at that. It has to think she's ignoring me, or something like that. I just hope to God that Cass can get home on Thursday, because I need time with friends. All I've had recently is Nick, and he's gone during weekdays until four. So where does that leave me for seven hours while I wait? Here... at home... doing nothing... talking to no one... because the only people I talk to are either in school... or just not talking. I'm just feeling like I'm not wanted around or desired. Not that I feel outcast, just not really wanted. Like a neutral thing. Not hated but not wanted either. To be honest I'd rather be hated than neither loved or hated, because then at least I can focus my life around making the people that hate me lives miserable. But being not hated nor wanted, I cant despise the ones that hate me, and I can't be with the ones that want to be with me, because neither of them exist. Like limbo... that religious expanse of nothing... yeah I'd rather go to hell then that. Because at least it's interesting. Another example... people who love being thought of horribly, because at least their being thought of (stolen from "Easy A"). So yeah...

This is a blog about any and every major thought that crosses my mind... and that was one of them so yeah...

~Induo

Malcontent

As you can guess from the title, I'm a little malcontent. I'm not sad, per say... but I'm not happy either. I'm lonely... I don't care how lame or childish that sounds, but it's true. I love Her, I really do... but a very small part of me thinks she's right. I need to go meet other people. I don't want to, but like I said... I know she's a little right.

Of course it'd be easier if she could reject me the normal way instead of her weird twisted artist way. Or just not at all. I do want to be with her, and I don't want to meet people in case an opportunity comes where I can be, but I'm lonely too. I want to be with some one, anyone (I'm not desperate, honest, just lonely) but at the same time I want to be with Her.

It also doesn't help that it seems like shes falling for Him all over again. I knew she had feelings for him, but she said she couldn't be with him... looks like shes going to change her mind.

And I'm not sure but it seems like she might be falling for Other Him  again. If that's the case, I can only hope she isn't hurt. I still hate that jerk for what he did to her, even if he was the biggest part of her life for two and a half years. He was horrible to her, and she didn't deserve any of it. He tore her apart in front of everyone, then went and became a hypocrite. You think he's going to quit for her? No he won't he's going to pressure her into trying it, like he tried to do to me, and I think she will, because of this stupid stage she's in. I'm in it too, but I have morals that I don't think she does. I just worry that she's going to fall into a rut she can't get out of, and become the very person she despised all through high school. I see it happen all the time. People say they feel sorry for those people... then it happens to themselves, and they can't get out. Whether it be by moral blindness, or some other form. I worry even more that she will have a shitty future, because of choices she makes in the next few months/years. If she new how much I DO care and worry about her, instead of how much she THINKS I do, I don't think she would be doing this. If she knew how much it hurts me, and those she cares about.

I just don't know anymore. Cass seems to be doing the same thing, but not on as extreme of a level, and also she notices it, and is putting effort in to stop. I think she can. She's always been strong willed, so has She. The only difference is She doesn't seem to want to change back. She's apparently content with her new self. Hating and loving it at the same time. She's unhappy, she tells me, for her art... and she loves it.

Of course no one else does. I can only hope that things get better soon, preferably before I leave... because I don't know what I'd do if i left and couldn't keep up with her. I don't want to come back and she's worse than ever... because no one was trying to help her. In all honesty it seems like I'm the only one trying. I'm not saying no one else is either but if they are, I don't see it. He seems to just be content with it, and why shouldn't he be? He's getting the girl out of it. Tim almost seems to be encouraging it. I just hate what he's become too.

He's changed so much. I was his best, longest friend. We'd been that for 5+ years. Then as soon as I introduce Her, it starts. Then when she moves in, it gets worse, BUT still not bad, just a little 'sharing of him' not bad... but as soon as I start liking Her, it seems like he despises me. Like I'm never welcome around, and the only reason he puts up with me is because I was Her best friend... now t looks like even that is going to change. She pushing us apart, and I try and try to keep us together. In all honesty, I don't think we'll be friends much longer... but if we aren't, it won't be because of me, and it won't be because I didn't try. But it WILL destroy me. Most of the time, she was the only thing that kept me going. The only thing that made getting out of bed worth it. If she's not in my life... it wont be. I wish I could take back the moment I told her I loved her. Things might be different. I'd rather us be best friend forever, than crushes for a little while longer...

I just don't know anymore. I've never had the nerve to take my life before, but it seems more tempting every day. I don't remember being this miserable this long before, and I don't like it, and if it's only going to get worse, then I don't know if i can take it. I pray and I pray and still we get further and further apart.

Just don't be surprised if you see a farewell post soon.

Maybe that's the real subconscious reason why I started this blog... to tell the world about my last days.

You know, I never could see myself older. Grown up... with a family, or a nice job and house. I just could never see it. Yeah I dreamed about it all the time, but I could never really confirm that it was me. I don't know. Writing about it like this, it seems more and more like a nice idea. To just finally get rid of all the sorrow.I just hope that if it's my time, that I go beautifully, and painlessly. In a flash of memories of me. Maybe that's supposed to be my fate. Not appreciated until after I'm gone. I hope it is my time and He decides to take me soon, because Lord knows I can't do it myself.

I don't know. I'm tired, sleep deprived, lonely and feeling unwanted by all. Maybe I'll get over it, but I doubt it.

~Induo

My life is not a movie

If my life were a movie, it would be a romantic comedy. This would be the part where I just screwed up and the girl is mad at me. Montage music plays and I keep seeing signs of her everywhere and/or I'm trying to win her back with no avail.

Alas, my life is NOT a movie, and one can only hope that soon the music ends, and one of us comes to some realization and we end up together.

What some people don't realize, is that a montage symbolizes a passing of time. How long that time is, is never really stated in the movie. Days, weeks, months, sometimes even years. If I were really in a montage, I hope that it doesn't last that long... because I don't know if I can.

~Induo

Woa

Today has been an outstandingly long day. I found out that She isn't ignoring me, but I still get the feeling that she's not telling me something. I get the feeling that she doesn't like me more than a friend anymore. But I can't figure out why. It could just all be in my head but i don't know. I'll just have to wait till later tonight when/if she calls me like she said she would. Which waiting for is the cause of this excruciatingly long day. So for anyone who gives a rat's ass about this blog besides me, I keep you posted.

~Induo

Also...

This is a sort of continuation of the post before this one. I realize I haven't posted many or rather ANY pictures. I will as the blog becomes more serious. Right now it's just my ranting on why She and I can't be together, but until my mind can focus on anything else, that's all I will be posting so yeah...

~Induo

hmn...

I realize that no one is really reading these, and while I didn't really expect anyone to, it would still be nice. But besides the point...

...I feel kinda rejected. I don't know if she just doesn't have her phone with her, or if she is ignoring me. I hope its the first one. I said I'm not going to give up, that I wouldn't quit until she was mine or I was told to get lost, but it's kind of discouraging when she wont even talk to me.

I don' know. I'm not so much sad, as I am a little worried. This has happened before, but not during circumstances like this. So i just don't know.

It was just one of my thoughts, which as you know, all are recorded on here...

so yeah if you are reading these, I just want to say thanks for your support, or at lest your interest.

~Induo

New found reslove

Well I found out my view on life right now. Me and my friends are changing, regrettably for the worse. However, there's nothing we can do about it, except be as happy as possible at all times. Obviously what makes me happy is Her, so I'm going to opt to be with her as much as possible, no matter how many  times she tells me to just move on.

Unfortunately, I can't get mad at my friends for wanting to do the same. In some cases that means them doing things that I don't approve of. I'm not their father though. I can't tell them what to do. All I can do is give my opinion and be there when they fall. (even if they don't even want that much)

Things aren't great but all I can do is make them as good as possible right now, unfortunately by any means necessary. I will probably do things I would never normally never do, things that some might consider morally wrong. I do have standards and morals, but for this stage in my life, they have to be a little lower than normal. I won't, however, regret anything that happens. It's what I have to do. All I can do is regret that that I have to do them. So on this serious note, I bid you farewell, until the next post.

~Induo

Bipolar

I must be bipolar. Cause I'm a little happy again. I told her that I wasn't going to give up until she was mine or she flat out told me to get lost. She told me to go for it... meaning there IS a chance. And as long as there i a chance, there is hope. And that's good enough for me.

Now if you look at the time of all my posts, you can figure out that I went from on top of the world, to as low as I've ever been, o perfectly content, in just over 24 hours... so yeah I think I'm bipolar.

The Oblivious Idiot

You know what? I don't care. I'm going to keep doing things the way I want to. I'll be the idiot that can't take a clue, but at least in the end I'll be her idiot. I just really hope it's sooner than later. It sucks being alone. I'm not going to change a thing though. She'll see how much I care whether she likes it or not.

Sorry it's a short post, but its like a new revelation for me so I had to post it.

~Induo

Bleak

Well I've already hit a rut with who whole blog thing. It was supposed to be a place where I could record any and every thought that entered my head. I can't do that because my thoughts include things that people can't know. Not that I'm keeping any secrets on here, but I'm keeping other people's secrets. I've changed my domain name in hopes that the people that cant know the stuff haven't already bookmarked the blog. Knowing them they haven't so hopefully they can't access it now. (Man I wish that this thing could block certain people from viewing) but as far as i can tell, it's either completely public, or completely private. I know I can block people that are registered but not aenonymous.

If this get to the eyes of people who aren't supposed to know it then I am as deeply sorry as I've ever been, but I need to do this, for my own sanity.

Right now my life DOES look bleak. I really don't want to be alive right now. Lord knows I don't have the grapes to actually take my life... but sometimes it's very tempting. For those of you who know me personally, you don't have to worry. i DON'T have the stuff to do it... I just want to.

Found out artists are WAY more complicated then even THEY need to be. I don't know what to think. She says she has feelings for me, but insist very persistently that we don't belong together... ever... or so that is the vibe I'm getting. It's funny how just yesterday I was on top of the world, we'd almost kissed. I know it's lame that I would get so excited about ALMOST kissing, or kissing period for that matter, but I did, so I could only imagine how stoked I would have been if she DID kiss me... It's just funny how I can go from all that to hating life. I really don't know if she has feelings for me, if we have any (and i do me ANY) hope of being together, and if not whether I can even get over her. I've never loved a non relative human being this much before, and for her to insist so strongly that we don't belong together makes my future look bleak... at least to me. Some might say I'm blinded by false love, and that may be true, but what a blind man can't see, he can't see. There's no changing that.

I just hate life right now... it all just doesn't seem worth it. So yeah hopefully things will turn around. I will keep you guys posted.


P.S. If I end up blocking your user, please by all means don't take any offense by it. I'll have just decided that I don't want you to know certain things. Mostly this applies to direct family. I haven't done it yet, but it's a consideration.