So I've done some thinking, and I've found out that I like the teen drama genre of shows and movies, especially the ones where they go through a relatively traumatic experience, simply because I never had an experience like that. I wasn't molested, cheated on by anyone I cared about, had a friend commit suicide, had a bad experience with drugs or alcohol. None of that bad stuff happened to be, and because of that, I feel I didn't grow up properly. I'm still far from being grown up but I feel that most people at age are more mature emotionally than I am because of experiences driving to toughen them up. I hate to say it, but I think I might have been a spoiled goody two shoes growing up. I never got into any major trouble, I never did anything excessively illegal. I never took risks, and there for never learned from any. It's not a horribly bad thing. If anything it means my parents did a good job raising me. Almost too good, however. Since I never had these experiences to learn from, I'm not to the same level of maturity that most of the people my age, around me are.
Take sex for instance. People are having it on a regular basis. Some more generously than others. For me, I've had a single sexual partner, and a few instances with that partner, while others are way ahead of me. I'm not saying I need to catch up or anything. I'm just noting that them and I are two completely different levels. It's still a sacred act to me. I couldn't sleep with someone who I didn't love. If I started dating someone now, I wouldn't be able to have sex with them until I was convinced they were at least a big part of my life forever, regardless of how we turned out. It would take months, if not more to build up to the kind of trust I would require to sleep with someone. While most people my age are doing it weeks or even days after they get together. Some even start a relationship by having sex. For them it's not established until after it happens.
That's just one example of what I'm talking about. I'm not as mature as most people my age, in a lot of ways, and I feel that's whats holding me back from having any kind of real relationship with anyone. I have people I get a long with, I have people I would even go as far as saying are my friends. However, that would be the closest. I'm not on the top of anyone's list of inviting out. For some people, I'm not even on the list at all. I spend most of my time, these days, in my room. Watching shows and movies, playing video games. Yeah, I still have Nick, and Krissy is there as much as she can be, but it's not the same. I don't even know the last time I was touched affectionately. I know that sounds pathetic, but bear with me. I'm not saying this to get any pity from my two followers. I'm simply stating the fact. I'm lonely, but not in a sense that I want a woman in my life. I'm lonely in that I want a real person who wants to be around me. Someone who shares the exact same interests as me. Who wants to spend as much time with me as I do with virtually any person on the planet.
I don't think people realize how badly I want to, when I say I want to go home. I want to go home so badly that when I get home, I never want to go outside a 20 mile radius of the place. I want to go home so badly, it hurts. To just be around people, who want to be around me.
I spent my entire life building relationships with people in or around my home town. People don't realize it but you even build relationships with your family. You learn new things about them, and them about you, every time you interact with them. Relationship that have been molded over 20+ years of living in the same area. I have people in my life that means things to me that no one will ever understand, not even themselves. Then, at 18 years old, I threw it away. I did what everyone wanted to do at that age. I left home, sacked up with a bunch of idiots and assholes to go see the world, and ended up in the worst corner of it. The relationships I'd spent so much time molding, and growing, and slowly deteriorating as people forget they existed. They're off making new ones and I'm stuck here in limbo, None new, and not forgetting the old.
I don't remember the last time I felt content with life. I think possibly back during the Summer of 2010. When Krissy, Amber and I had sorted things out for the most part. What I wouldn't give to be back there. What I wouldn't give to be back anywhere. I would love to go back to literally any point in my life before August 4th 2010.
You would think that with this long post, I'd be writing a book, or tired of complaining, but I'm not. Yes, I know that complaining is probably one of the reasons why I don't have any meaningful relationships with anyone here. The reason no one wants to invite me anywhere. I think it's mostly because my cliche doesn't exist here. My cliche, the only one I've ever known, is forever frozen in senior year. There's no place for it after high school. I have to find a new one, and the sooner I realize that, the better off I'll be, but I'm scared. I know it. I terrified of change, and what it brings. I'm scared out of my wits about trying any new lifestyle. I need help. This is supposed to be the best years of my life and I hate them more than anything. I'd rather go back to the junior year night I got jumped by my personal bully.
I get it. I'm depressed. No one wants to hang out with the depressed kid. Especially the young ass depressed kid, because then he's depressed over baby things. Trivial things, but you know, he's till depressed.
I wrote way more than I planned to but I think it helped me vent a little. My life isn't as bad as I'm making it out to be. It was a lot better though. Back when I was too stupid to realize it.
I'm good for now, so don't worry about me. I'll be alright for the time being. Later.
~Inddy
