This blog only has two followers so I don't think I have any fear of this getting back to the people involved.
At least a few nights a week. I have to sit and watch my crush flirt with my roommate and best friend for 15 years. I can't say anything because I already know she's not interested in me, and to say anything wouldn't help either side. If I said anything to my friend, he would actively avoid romantic interests with her because he's such a good friend, but that would only hurt her. If I told her, she wouldn't return the feelings and now everything is awkward in the group. So I can't say anything because it would only hurt people, It wouldn't help at all. If I don't say anything, she continues to flirt and I'm jealous of my best friend of 15 years. The best friend that nothing has come between for the last decade and a half. I'd be an idiot to let a girl of all things come between that.
So what do I do? Just endure it? Ignore it? Pretend it isn't happening? I honestly don't know what to do.
-Inddy
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Jeez it's so fucked up
So I just saw a video of my cousin's wedding. I wasn't there because of the military. But Krissy was. The girl that only knew them, the rest of my family, because if me. The girl that by the time the video was recorded had already stopped talking to me.
I know I write about her a lot and its getting old. Even I'm sick of hearing myself talk about her. I don't love her. Not anymore but to sit there and watch a woman who I used to love be apart of a very important part of my family's life all while I couldn't makes me so mad. The audacity. It's so fucked that she's such good friends with the rest of my family knowing full well that she's all but pushed me out of her life and my family knows it all. They know that she doesn't talk to me. They know how I felt and still they basically replaced me. It makes me want to just say fuck them all and live the rest of my life without a family. Doesn't feel like I really have one now anyway. It wouldn't really be any different.
-Inddy
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Midnight Contemplation
Hey... it's been a while. I have absolutely no idea why I'm writing other than I want to. Nothing to write about. Nothing to say.
I'm having one of those cliche surreal moments where I think about my existence and where my place in the world is and if it's important or not.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say I don't matter, even though I really don't know if I do. I'm not thinking of it in a "no one loves me, if I died no one would care" kind of ways. More of a scientific way. In what way would the world be different If I'd never existed, or ceased to exist right now. Would someone's life fifty years from now some how be changed without his or her knowing? Would someone I know now but am not close to's life be any different than If I'd continued living but left in four months as planned. Would my sudden disappearance affect them in any way?
Now... I'm thinking about what a jackass I am for writing that last paragraph. I mean really? The "I'm so tiny I don't even matter." spiel is overdone. I just need to eat my burger and watch some midnight TV and not affect the world in my little corner of it.
~Inddy
I'm having one of those cliche surreal moments where I think about my existence and where my place in the world is and if it's important or not.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say I don't matter, even though I really don't know if I do. I'm not thinking of it in a "no one loves me, if I died no one would care" kind of ways. More of a scientific way. In what way would the world be different If I'd never existed, or ceased to exist right now. Would someone's life fifty years from now some how be changed without his or her knowing? Would someone I know now but am not close to's life be any different than If I'd continued living but left in four months as planned. Would my sudden disappearance affect them in any way?
Now... I'm thinking about what a jackass I am for writing that last paragraph. I mean really? The "I'm so tiny I don't even matter." spiel is overdone. I just need to eat my burger and watch some midnight TV and not affect the world in my little corner of it.
~Inddy
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Sharing a Memory
So they way I see it. There are only two reason to take a picture. Those two reasons are to save a memory and share a moment with someone who can't be there first hand. As an aspiring (horribly) photo journalist, I should realize the more intricate aspects of the job description. So i say, "Why not both?" Why can't you share not only the moment but the memory as well? Some might say well because to have a true memory of the event, you have to be there in the flesh else it's just a story without words. The beautiful thing about photos is that that is exactly what they are; stories without words. I also believe that you can share the memory if the photo can properly tell the story of the event it's commemorating.
I'm extremely nervous about actually pursuing this field as a job or even serious pastime. To be good at photojournalism, you need to have a quality camera which costs money. Now the one thing that usually holds me back is that I can never remember to take pictures. I have my phone which takes decent photos for a beginner like myself, but I can't keep the conscious thought in my head that any and every moment is capturable. Of course lately I haven't really had many memorable moments. Mostly just day to day work etc. However, I'm in Hawaii. There is seriously something wrong with me as a writer and photographer is I can't find at least one thing to take a picture of and write about. So starting today, I'm going to try to be on the lookout for photo-ops and the like. I need to get better at this if I'm going to be taking this seriously enough to consider as a career. So since I said I'm starting today, what, you may ask, is my first piece going to be one. Well, at the risk of sounding narcissistic, myself. This article is my first step and first of many more in becoming what I want to be in life. So there you have it.
Oh yeah, a picture...
I'm extremely nervous about actually pursuing this field as a job or even serious pastime. To be good at photojournalism, you need to have a quality camera which costs money. Now the one thing that usually holds me back is that I can never remember to take pictures. I have my phone which takes decent photos for a beginner like myself, but I can't keep the conscious thought in my head that any and every moment is capturable. Of course lately I haven't really had many memorable moments. Mostly just day to day work etc. However, I'm in Hawaii. There is seriously something wrong with me as a writer and photographer is I can't find at least one thing to take a picture of and write about. So starting today, I'm going to try to be on the lookout for photo-ops and the like. I need to get better at this if I'm going to be taking this seriously enough to consider as a career. So since I said I'm starting today, what, you may ask, is my first piece going to be one. Well, at the risk of sounding narcissistic, myself. This article is my first step and first of many more in becoming what I want to be in life. So there you have it.
Oh yeah, a picture...
Monday, December 23, 2013
FOD
So I'm having an issue where I really want to write but I have no idea what to write about. Nothing even remotely interesting has happened in the last what twelve hours since I last made a post, but I really want to write something.
So Krissy called me today almost right after I made the last post about her not wanting to be friends. But I think she wants to keep it a secret from Copeland, which I'm not okay with. He seemed like a nice guy that civilly protected what he had made a claim to. We sorted it out and came to terms and that was that. Krissy actually kinda messed it up by calling. However, I think there can be a mutual resolve where she and I can become friends again and him be okay with it. I genuinely just want to be friends with her. I mean I do wish we'd had a proper chance at each other but it never happened and I'm okay with the fact that it never will.
I do want to write a book but I don't think it will be about what I was going to make it. I want to write a real life book. One with a little meaning behind it than just a cool story with likable characters. I want to write a book that makes people think when they finish the last word on the last page of the last chapter, close the back cover and stare off into space questioning... something. I have no idea what though. I can't remember the title but I once read a book in high school where A cool guy who was basically fuck buddies with his chick friend, is tricked by his parents into going on a European vacation with his older nerdy brother. While there, they meet this very exotic woman who kinda shows up along their whole trip and gives them a new out look on life by spending time with them and ultimately sleeping with the both of them. Making the younger brother appreciate and commit to his fuck buddy girl and the older brother realize that he needs to live more. All in all it made me think afterwards and books don't do that often. Usually movies make contemplate existence and books just make me crave a sequel. The only thing I remember about the books appearance is that it had light blue over with what appeared to be a snowglobe on the front.
Anyway, besides the point, it was a very obscure book that I'm sure no one in the world but myself has read that honestly I wish I could read again. Another book that made me think was a new book that came out my senior year of high school so roughly 2009-2010, called "Deadline" about a kid who never thought much about doing anything outside his comfort zone. That is, until, he finds out he has a terminal illness that gives him about a year left untreated. Being the legal adult he is, he declines the treatment saying hat he'll just make it the best year ever. He goes on living his life to the fullest. Going out for football, asking out his dream girl etc. all while keeping his illness a secret from everyone. Including his parents.
We were assigned the book as one of the few we had to read for class that year. Normally we read a certain length in class and do some worksheets on it and that's it, but the story intrigued me. So I actually "borrowed" my school copy and read ahead of the class. Add another book to my list of ones to own. Moral of the story is that I want to write something with guts, enthusiasm, and charisma, that makes you think about something bigger than yourself, and I have no idea how to do that.
~Inddy
So Krissy called me today almost right after I made the last post about her not wanting to be friends. But I think she wants to keep it a secret from Copeland, which I'm not okay with. He seemed like a nice guy that civilly protected what he had made a claim to. We sorted it out and came to terms and that was that. Krissy actually kinda messed it up by calling. However, I think there can be a mutual resolve where she and I can become friends again and him be okay with it. I genuinely just want to be friends with her. I mean I do wish we'd had a proper chance at each other but it never happened and I'm okay with the fact that it never will.
I do want to write a book but I don't think it will be about what I was going to make it. I want to write a real life book. One with a little meaning behind it than just a cool story with likable characters. I want to write a book that makes people think when they finish the last word on the last page of the last chapter, close the back cover and stare off into space questioning... something. I have no idea what though. I can't remember the title but I once read a book in high school where A cool guy who was basically fuck buddies with his chick friend, is tricked by his parents into going on a European vacation with his older nerdy brother. While there, they meet this very exotic woman who kinda shows up along their whole trip and gives them a new out look on life by spending time with them and ultimately sleeping with the both of them. Making the younger brother appreciate and commit to his fuck buddy girl and the older brother realize that he needs to live more. All in all it made me think afterwards and books don't do that often. Usually movies make contemplate existence and books just make me crave a sequel. The only thing I remember about the books appearance is that it had light blue over with what appeared to be a snowglobe on the front.
Anyway, besides the point, it was a very obscure book that I'm sure no one in the world but myself has read that honestly I wish I could read again. Another book that made me think was a new book that came out my senior year of high school so roughly 2009-2010, called "Deadline" about a kid who never thought much about doing anything outside his comfort zone. That is, until, he finds out he has a terminal illness that gives him about a year left untreated. Being the legal adult he is, he declines the treatment saying hat he'll just make it the best year ever. He goes on living his life to the fullest. Going out for football, asking out his dream girl etc. all while keeping his illness a secret from everyone. Including his parents.
We were assigned the book as one of the few we had to read for class that year. Normally we read a certain length in class and do some worksheets on it and that's it, but the story intrigued me. So I actually "borrowed" my school copy and read ahead of the class. Add another book to my list of ones to own. Moral of the story is that I want to write something with guts, enthusiasm, and charisma, that makes you think about something bigger than yourself, and I have no idea how to do that.
~Inddy
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
My not so horrible life.
So I've done some thinking, and I've found out that I like the teen drama genre of shows and movies, especially the ones where they go through a relatively traumatic experience, simply because I never had an experience like that. I wasn't molested, cheated on by anyone I cared about, had a friend commit suicide, had a bad experience with drugs or alcohol. None of that bad stuff happened to be, and because of that, I feel I didn't grow up properly. I'm still far from being grown up but I feel that most people at age are more mature emotionally than I am because of experiences driving to toughen them up. I hate to say it, but I think I might have been a spoiled goody two shoes growing up. I never got into any major trouble, I never did anything excessively illegal. I never took risks, and there for never learned from any. It's not a horribly bad thing. If anything it means my parents did a good job raising me. Almost too good, however. Since I never had these experiences to learn from, I'm not to the same level of maturity that most of the people my age, around me are.
Take sex for instance. People are having it on a regular basis. Some more generously than others. For me, I've had a single sexual partner, and a few instances with that partner, while others are way ahead of me. I'm not saying I need to catch up or anything. I'm just noting that them and I are two completely different levels. It's still a sacred act to me. I couldn't sleep with someone who I didn't love. If I started dating someone now, I wouldn't be able to have sex with them until I was convinced they were at least a big part of my life forever, regardless of how we turned out. It would take months, if not more to build up to the kind of trust I would require to sleep with someone. While most people my age are doing it weeks or even days after they get together. Some even start a relationship by having sex. For them it's not established until after it happens.
That's just one example of what I'm talking about. I'm not as mature as most people my age, in a lot of ways, and I feel that's whats holding me back from having any kind of real relationship with anyone. I have people I get a long with, I have people I would even go as far as saying are my friends. However, that would be the closest. I'm not on the top of anyone's list of inviting out. For some people, I'm not even on the list at all. I spend most of my time, these days, in my room. Watching shows and movies, playing video games. Yeah, I still have Nick, and Krissy is there as much as she can be, but it's not the same. I don't even know the last time I was touched affectionately. I know that sounds pathetic, but bear with me. I'm not saying this to get any pity from my two followers. I'm simply stating the fact. I'm lonely, but not in a sense that I want a woman in my life. I'm lonely in that I want a real person who wants to be around me. Someone who shares the exact same interests as me. Who wants to spend as much time with me as I do with virtually any person on the planet.
I don't think people realize how badly I want to, when I say I want to go home. I want to go home so badly that when I get home, I never want to go outside a 20 mile radius of the place. I want to go home so badly, it hurts. To just be around people, who want to be around me.
I spent my entire life building relationships with people in or around my home town. People don't realize it but you even build relationships with your family. You learn new things about them, and them about you, every time you interact with them. Relationship that have been molded over 20+ years of living in the same area. I have people in my life that means things to me that no one will ever understand, not even themselves. Then, at 18 years old, I threw it away. I did what everyone wanted to do at that age. I left home, sacked up with a bunch of idiots and assholes to go see the world, and ended up in the worst corner of it. The relationships I'd spent so much time molding, and growing, and slowly deteriorating as people forget they existed. They're off making new ones and I'm stuck here in limbo, None new, and not forgetting the old.
I don't remember the last time I felt content with life. I think possibly back during the Summer of 2010. When Krissy, Amber and I had sorted things out for the most part. What I wouldn't give to be back there. What I wouldn't give to be back anywhere. I would love to go back to literally any point in my life before August 4th 2010.
You would think that with this long post, I'd be writing a book, or tired of complaining, but I'm not. Yes, I know that complaining is probably one of the reasons why I don't have any meaningful relationships with anyone here. The reason no one wants to invite me anywhere. I think it's mostly because my cliche doesn't exist here. My cliche, the only one I've ever known, is forever frozen in senior year. There's no place for it after high school. I have to find a new one, and the sooner I realize that, the better off I'll be, but I'm scared. I know it. I terrified of change, and what it brings. I'm scared out of my wits about trying any new lifestyle. I need help. This is supposed to be the best years of my life and I hate them more than anything. I'd rather go back to the junior year night I got jumped by my personal bully.
I get it. I'm depressed. No one wants to hang out with the depressed kid. Especially the young ass depressed kid, because then he's depressed over baby things. Trivial things, but you know, he's till depressed.
I wrote way more than I planned to but I think it helped me vent a little. My life isn't as bad as I'm making it out to be. It was a lot better though. Back when I was too stupid to realize it.
I'm good for now, so don't worry about me. I'll be alright for the time being. Later.
~Inddy
Take sex for instance. People are having it on a regular basis. Some more generously than others. For me, I've had a single sexual partner, and a few instances with that partner, while others are way ahead of me. I'm not saying I need to catch up or anything. I'm just noting that them and I are two completely different levels. It's still a sacred act to me. I couldn't sleep with someone who I didn't love. If I started dating someone now, I wouldn't be able to have sex with them until I was convinced they were at least a big part of my life forever, regardless of how we turned out. It would take months, if not more to build up to the kind of trust I would require to sleep with someone. While most people my age are doing it weeks or even days after they get together. Some even start a relationship by having sex. For them it's not established until after it happens.
That's just one example of what I'm talking about. I'm not as mature as most people my age, in a lot of ways, and I feel that's whats holding me back from having any kind of real relationship with anyone. I have people I get a long with, I have people I would even go as far as saying are my friends. However, that would be the closest. I'm not on the top of anyone's list of inviting out. For some people, I'm not even on the list at all. I spend most of my time, these days, in my room. Watching shows and movies, playing video games. Yeah, I still have Nick, and Krissy is there as much as she can be, but it's not the same. I don't even know the last time I was touched affectionately. I know that sounds pathetic, but bear with me. I'm not saying this to get any pity from my two followers. I'm simply stating the fact. I'm lonely, but not in a sense that I want a woman in my life. I'm lonely in that I want a real person who wants to be around me. Someone who shares the exact same interests as me. Who wants to spend as much time with me as I do with virtually any person on the planet.
I don't think people realize how badly I want to, when I say I want to go home. I want to go home so badly that when I get home, I never want to go outside a 20 mile radius of the place. I want to go home so badly, it hurts. To just be around people, who want to be around me.
I spent my entire life building relationships with people in or around my home town. People don't realize it but you even build relationships with your family. You learn new things about them, and them about you, every time you interact with them. Relationship that have been molded over 20+ years of living in the same area. I have people in my life that means things to me that no one will ever understand, not even themselves. Then, at 18 years old, I threw it away. I did what everyone wanted to do at that age. I left home, sacked up with a bunch of idiots and assholes to go see the world, and ended up in the worst corner of it. The relationships I'd spent so much time molding, and growing, and slowly deteriorating as people forget they existed. They're off making new ones and I'm stuck here in limbo, None new, and not forgetting the old.
I don't remember the last time I felt content with life. I think possibly back during the Summer of 2010. When Krissy, Amber and I had sorted things out for the most part. What I wouldn't give to be back there. What I wouldn't give to be back anywhere. I would love to go back to literally any point in my life before August 4th 2010.
You would think that with this long post, I'd be writing a book, or tired of complaining, but I'm not. Yes, I know that complaining is probably one of the reasons why I don't have any meaningful relationships with anyone here. The reason no one wants to invite me anywhere. I think it's mostly because my cliche doesn't exist here. My cliche, the only one I've ever known, is forever frozen in senior year. There's no place for it after high school. I have to find a new one, and the sooner I realize that, the better off I'll be, but I'm scared. I know it. I terrified of change, and what it brings. I'm scared out of my wits about trying any new lifestyle. I need help. This is supposed to be the best years of my life and I hate them more than anything. I'd rather go back to the junior year night I got jumped by my personal bully.
I get it. I'm depressed. No one wants to hang out with the depressed kid. Especially the young ass depressed kid, because then he's depressed over baby things. Trivial things, but you know, he's till depressed.
I wrote way more than I planned to but I think it helped me vent a little. My life isn't as bad as I'm making it out to be. It was a lot better though. Back when I was too stupid to realize it.
I'm good for now, so don't worry about me. I'll be alright for the time being. Later.
~Inddy
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